I think what I like most about these “Night at the Movies” openings is the fucking attitude they display. Make no doubt about it: these networks think they’re HOT SHIT for airing these movies. And to see them show off with bold music and slick graphics (marquee lights – always marquee lights) is really endearing in retrospect. It’s the equivalent of a nerd wearing a leather jacket and Ray-Bans. Anyway. Enjoy!

1. ABC Sunday Night Movie (1982)

The opening music is like “Prepare yourself for the most spectacular fucking thing in the world,” but by the time the final graphic pops up at :25, it’s like: “My little penis is weird and gross.”

2. CBS Saturday Night Movie (1979)

I’d like to think that whenever this intro aired, every family in America simultaneously sprang from their couches and broke into a choreographed dance routine in their living rooms. (An associate from CBS traveled to every home in America and taught them dance moves)

3. NBC Monday Night at the Movies (1987)

Hey NBC, look what some “Night Court” money can buy! Also, NBC’s tag line should be: “Watching a Movie on a Monday Night: It’ll Make You Feel Weird!”

4. CBS Storybreak (1985)

Ok, this isn’t technically a “Night at the Movie” intro, but just listen to that electric guitar!

5. HBO Feature Presentation (1983)

This was for HBO, so I’m cheating again, but holy shit, does it hold up! The intro to end all intros. It’s so monumental that by the end, the sky’s vagina opens up and births the HBO logo (for reals).

So I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Walt Disney Studios is remaking Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but did you know they’re also adding new dwarfs? That’s right, 15 new dwarfs! My friend who works at Disney managed to get me the names, and I thought I’d share them with you. Enjoy!

(IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):

1. Hot Shot
2. Ding Dong
3. Captain Eddie
4. Turbo Tax
5. E.T.
6. Leslie’s
7. Murphy Grenade 3000
8. Handy Smurf
9. Feple
10. Kif
11. Jurbaury
12. Turbo Tax 2
13. Snow White
14. Feple
15. Kif

Although the names may sound strange (sort of), I assure you that my friend can be trusted because he has a very high-ranking position at Disney (he draws Donald’s sailor hat).

Th-Th-Th-That’s all, folks!

Paul Rust: Hello, Blog. Nice to meet you.
BLOG: Internet.
Paul Rust: What?
BLOG: Internet.
Paul Rust: I’m afraid I don’t under—
BLOG: Internet.
Paul Rust: Are you okay? Is something wrong?
BLOG: Internet.
Paul Rust: Internet?
BLOG: Internet.
Paul Rust: YAY! INTERNET!!!

Well, now you meet him. A little stuck-up, huh? STAY COOL, DUUUUUDEZ!!!!